er·u·dite
a captains log for nerdy girls
His parents must have made him on a holiday
The kind of baby you make when you don’t have to go to work today
His delicate skin whispers to me that he was born in the winter
His eyes remind me of a private joke we share
His dark blue captures my brown round and makes me to believe
That yes, he is thinking what I’m thinking
His hair is a smeared divorce between red and orange their light brown progeny crying and torn apart
His beard grows like wealth uneven and faster toward the top
It frames the smile that makes me thank each and every god that I’m hysterical
His coat wraps tight around his waist my thighs are flush with jealousy
I would drown a dozen babies for a chance to drag my tongue across his lips
With luck, the rough pointy hairs of his beard would scratch back at my pink brush putting up a subtle
fight, making this kiss take longer than it has to.
When I think about starting a new relationship, I think about all the things a new relationship entails:
1) Time sacrifice. I can think of plenty of times when I have had to choose between a better grade on a test and holding my loved one through the night. I can’t say I have always made the best decision.
I once was working two jobs, attending school full time, and perusing creative endeavors at the same time and I had a boyfriend. Every time I arrived at his house I had nothing left. I just wanted to sleep, or cry, or both. It was hard on him because I couldn’t match his commitment and because I never had energy for sex. He was the type who received love through time and affection and whenever he tried to get some I just started crying or bitching. Epic relationship fail.
2) Emotional sacrifice. It is a wonderful thing to learn patience and putting someone else’s feelings above your own is a wonderful thing and has many wonderful results, however, put through a cost benefit analysis, my feelings are more important. Sorry boys.
I wish I were better at this. I get a lot of “you weren’t thinking about my feelings” and i often need it explained to me when someone was thinking about my feelings and put me before them or else I won’t even notice it. Its my bad.
3) obligations. Giving and receiving new obligations is difficult. Everyone has different needs and fulling them for your partner, and getting them fulfilled by your partner can be painstaking, time consuming, and depending on the person, downright unpleasant.
There are things I expect my men to do; attend important shows, accompany me to parties and come around to see my family and friends every now and then. Gentlemen have similar needs, there are times they need to show off their girl who looks and acts right. They might need a woman to go see their band play or attend a wedding with them so they don’t look like the hopeless bachelor their parents resent. With luck everything clicks right into place, without luck, it’s like shoving your square beloved through a round, chicken wire, hole.
4) New everything. Location, environment, scene, bodies, tastes, pets, culture.
It makes me uncomfortable to have to get used to driving my car to a new bedroom with a different smell on the sheets, and new roommates to meet and walk past coming and going.
I don’t look forward to meeting all the inner and outercircle people and making a good impression on all of them.
New sex- I quiver (in a bad way) at the idea of being led into another bedroom, a new body to learn and know by heart, new likes and loves, a new physical entity I have to satisfy, using my body in front of new eyes.
5) A new mind. What is he thinking? What is his opinion about this? Will he intellectually stimulate me? or me him? Please don’t let him be a hard lined republican, or an undercover racist. These thoughts make my mind get cramps and ultimately take a shit that comes out of my mouth in short fast nervous words; its ugly.
Conclusion: I just don’t have what it takes to do it right. I’m sure this will change. Sorry, whoever you are, we’ll just have to wait.
This guy is looking for love, which is fine. The only problem I have is that I am too, kind of. I have decided to use a free internet site to find potential mates like an assistant who scouts for options for me to choose from. Here’s the latest suitor my assistant presented me with. You don’t have to read the whole thing because it goes on for about 3 days. You are free to stop at the first misstated clichéd metaphor or when your mind starts reading with a pirate voice. This profile makes me want to lose weight just for the sake of not having to sift through a virtual bin of the type of people who think this is a good idea. Side note to my assistant: you’re skating on thin ice buddy.
Well im 37 yrs old but i look and feel 24yrs young at least thats what people say. i act my age when it comes to taking care of matters rather they be bills or relationships. I have blue eyes that are mystical, could hypnotyze . have brown hair when it there , most of the time it is shaved. have a gotee , & many tattoos. Im about 6-3 ft tall and 220lbs. Im very intiminating when u first see me. but really i am probally one of the nicest , funniest, giving, straight to the point type a guy. I love art work collect art and i also like to paint and/or draw…EYE DONT NO WHUT 2 SAY OR BEGIN..EYE WORK VERY HARD 4 WHUT LITTLE EYE HAVE..BUT U R ONLY AZ RICH AZ U R..U HAVE A MILLION BUCKZ AND MILLION N BILLZ U DONT HAVE MUCH..AZ 4 ME M’EYE RICHNESS IZ IN M’EYE SOUL AND MORALZ OF LIFE ..EYE HAVE BIN THRU A GREAT DEAL IN LIFE..BUT CHOOZE NOT 2 PLAXE BLAME ON N E 1 OR N E THING..EYE C IT AZ A LEARNING XPIERIENCE..OR EVEN A STEPPING STONE TOWARD BETTER..EVERY1 FALLZ DOWN REGARDLESS OF WHO U R..NOT WHEALTH OR POWER CAN KEEP U FRUM FALLING..ITZ ALL ABOUT GITTIN BACK UP..CANT STRESS ON LIFES NTANIES OR HARDSHIPS..LET THE CARDZ FALL WHERE THEY MAY..N M’EYE LIFE I WUZ DELT A CRAPPY HAND BUT EYE INTEND ON THROWIN A COUPLE CARDZ IN AND GITTIN A COUPLE HELPFUL CARDZ..M’EYE INTENT IZ 2 GIT A ROYAL FLUSH..I PAINT AND DRAW TO XSCAPE SUM OF THE CONFUSSIONZ OF LIFE..THO EYE DONT 4GET DA PAST EYE REMEMBER IT 2 GAIN MORE STRENGTH 2 NOT FALL AGIN.. ….. EYE REALLY RELATE 2 HOW ART DWELLZ WITH IN… EYE’M DEEPLY MEZMERIZED WITH THE ART WORLD…BUT EYE WUNT TO GIVE U A GREATER INSITE OF HOW MUCH ART FLORISHEZ AND REPLENISHEZ ME AZ AN INDIVIDUAL AZ WELL AZ IN M’EYE DAY 2 DAY LIFE …ALSO HELPZ ME DEAL WITH PAST TRAMAZ AND STRUGGLEZ THAT TEND 2 HAUNT ME …LOOK AZ A FORM OF SELF THEAROPY…EYE KNO M’EYE ART IZ DEVILISH BUT THAT IZ WUT FLOWZ OUT OF ME… CAN DIRECTLY RELATE WITH PLANNING ART FORMAT ISSUEZ…4 LONGEST TYME EYE STRUGGLED WITH FIGHTING AND OR FORCING SUMTHING THATZ NOT THERE..WUT EYE’M SAYIN IZ EYE’VE LEARNED TO JUS LET M’EYE SELF CONSCIENCE OR INNER ME TAKE OVER MIND AND BODY AND ABLEZ ME 2 XPRESS WITH FULL POTENTIAL..JUS UNTIL VERY RECENTLY EVERY FINISHED PIECE WUZ A COMPLETE SURPRIZE..NEVER ENDED UP THE WAY EYE STARTED…EYE REALLY PUT M’EYESLF IN A TRANS WHIN COMMUNICATING WITH CANVAS THAT LAY B 4 ME..EYE LOCK M’EYESLF IN ASYLUM…BETTER KNOWN AZ BEDROOM…OR DOMAIN ..THEN UNLOCK WUTZ BUILT UP INSIDE..WHIN EYE FALL N 2 THIZ RELM OF UNKNOWN CONSCIENCENESS IT IZ THO PICTURE IZ ALL REDE ON CANVAS..EYE LIKE 2 SAY THIZ…EYE DONT PAINT THE CANVAS SIMPLY AM APPLYING PAINT 2 THE CANVAS…M’EYE HAND BCOMEZ ITZ OWN MIND AND CAN FEEL THE LINES THAT MAKE THIZ UNSEEN VIZUAL…AZ WELL AZ FILL THE CREVASES WITH COLOR…M’EYE TECHNIQUE IZ VERY ..WELL ..NOT SO MUCH UNIQUE AZ IT IZ OBSQUERE..EYE NEVER HAVE UZED TOOLZ FOR WUT THEY R INTENDED 4…EYE UZE CRUSTY BRUSHEZ THAT 4 MOST PART HAVE LIL 2 NO HAIR ON THEM..PRETTY MUCH A STICK..EYE UZE ..LIKE TO CALL..M’EYE MOP OR FLUFF BRUSH..IN WHICH IZ ONLY BRUSH THT HAZ HAIR AND IZ KEPT CLEAN..THE UZE OF THIZ TOOL HAZ GIVEN ME ALL FINISHED PIECEZ..WITH THIZ TOOL EYE STAB AND POKE AT THE CANVAS TIL IT BECOMEZ SUFICIENT 2 M’EYE EYE…ITZ THO EYE CARVE THIZ SHAPE TIL IT APPEARZ..EYE TAKE THE PAINT AWAY MORE THAN EYE APPLY.. C M’EYE ASYLUM IS FILLED WITH ART AND SURROUNDZ ME CONSTINTLY…..EYE JUS STARTED PAINTIN BOUT 2 OR 2.5 YRZ AGO…EYE ALWAYZ HAVE BIN GOOD WITH DRAWING..BUT ALWAYZ SCREW IT UP WHIN APPLYING COLOR TO PAPER..THATZ WHIN DESIDED 2 TRY PAINTING..IT WUZ THO IT HAD BIN AWAITIN ME TO TAKE IN AND HONOR 4 LIFE..FELT SO COMFORTABLE AND NATURAL..COLOR WUZ THEN ABLE 2 FLORISH AND AND FULLFIL M’EYE SOUL WITH THAT RICHNESS OF CREATING AND FINISHING LONG LOST PROJECT THAT CONTINUIOUSLY GOT PUT ON HOLD..BETTER KNOWN AZ M’EYE LIFE…HEREITERRORILY INSANE WUZ BORN…TO ME THAT NAME IZ TRULY THE STORY THAT UNRAVELD WUT LAY WITH IN AND SAYZ IT ALL..BORN WITH THE GENEZ THAT INTEMADATE OTHERZ AZ WELL AZ SELF AND INSANE NOT SO MUCH LOONY AZ IT BEING CRAZY…CRAZY OR INSANE MEANZ CREATIVE ..INGENIUS..COLLECTIVE..BRILLIANT AND SIMPLY STANDZ APART FRUM THE REST ON IDEAZ AND GOALZ..OOH YA M’EYE BACK…IT HURT LIKE A MOTHER SCRATCHER…TOOK BOUT 75 HRZ..GIGER IZ M’EYE INSPIRATION ABOVE ALL…NOT SAYIN THAT ALL ARTIST DONT INSPIRE ME..JUS GIGER LIVEZ IN ME N A SENCE..DALI..BROM..ROYO..BARLOWE.BEKSINSKI..GREY..OLIVIA..WOODROFFE…EYE COULD LIST A LIST THAT WOULD NEVER END…EYE PLAN ON UZING M’EYE SKIN AZ CANVAS TO SHOW APPRECIATION AND TRIBUTE TO THE GREAT MASTERZ OF ART…I’m looking for
Men’s Health Magazine, you had the best of intentions. Please remember to use them as you pave yourself a road to hell.
Negative self-talk can ruin your day. Well, we think it can, but maybe we’re wrong
By Carl Sherman, Photographs by Josef Astor, Posted Date: September 6, 2007The Power of Negative Thinking
Before you attempt to banish a bad thought, consider what it could teach you. “Negative emotions can help you pinpoint problems you need to address,” says Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., director of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research near Philadelphia. What follows are three major types of negative thinking — and how you can use them for good.
Feelings of Inadequacy
Recognize it: I suck at my job. I don’t have any good ideas. It’s just a matter of time before I’m fired.
Overcome it: Maybe you do suck — at certain tasks. “Sometimes our negative thoughts are true, but don’t accept that until you look critically at the evidence,” says Beck. Some people excel in group meetings, while others shine when they work alone. Figure out which environment suits you better. Still struggling? Maybe you and your job are simply a poor match. Find another job — quickly. Researchers at the University of Texas found that negative employees stick around in dead-end jobs longer than their confident coworkers do.
General Pessimism
Recognize it: I’m going to be late for my flight and miss the meeting. There goes the account. There goes my year-end bonus. My wife is so going to leave me.
Overcome it: ”Don’t deny your worst-case-scenario thoughts, but focus on specific things you do have control over,” says Julie K. Norem, Ph.D., author of The Positive Power of Negative Thinking. “This will help keep your anxiety from spiraling out of control.” It might also extend your life: Research in the journal Psychological Medicinelinked high levels of anxiety in your 20s to higher rates of death from illness later in life.
Self-Esteem Issues
Recognize it: The brunette at the bar didn’t return my smile. She’s ignoring me like every other girl. Oh, God, I must be hideous.
Overcome it: Once you start generalizing your problems, it’s hard to stop. “When you feel a sense of heaviness in your body, focus on what just went through your mind,” says Beck. Then stop the cycle by breaking the problem into manageable pieces: Did she even see me? Is that a ring on her finger? Do I have snot hanging from my nose? “If you look at the situation in this way,” says Norem, “you won’t become overwhelmed so easily.”
~ Alison Granell
